Thursday, August 19, 2010

The time I woke up on the floor

Let me preface this post by saying that, surprisingly enough, this incident wasn’t caused by alcohol. Oh there was alcohol in my system, but that was decidedly not the culprit that led me to wake up on the floor.

Last night I decided I seriously needed to relax, especially since my back muscles were still incredibly sore from my lovely episode with the masochistic masseur. I’m a big fan of Absorbine. I use it all the time when boarding for days in a row to keep my muscles from knotting up and cutting short my next day shredding the mountain. (BTW – It’s a topical anesthetic that relieve sore muscles) And of course I don’t use the Absorbine Jr. you can find in the pharmacy. Nope that stuffs for wimps. If you’re going to use it you might as well get the full strength stuff that they sell at the feed store and use on horses. I swear it’s perfectly safe.

In happy anticipation of relieving my battered muscles I dumped a good cup of Absorbine into the bathtub, filled it up and settled in for a good soak with a glass of wine and a book. For good measure I squirted some on my back too to give my muscle relief plan a little jump start. After pruning myself for about an hour I was feeling nice are relaxed. Yes, my night was looking pretty good.

I hopped out, toweled off, wrapped my hair in the towel and headed into the bedroom where Oz was laying on the floor. I bent over to give his belly a quick rub and when I stood back up again my vision went wonky sort of like tunnel vision, but more like I was falling into a deep hole. Oh wait, I was falling. Next thing I know my ass is waking up on the floor and I realized holy crap! I’d just fainted!

I’ve never in my life fainted. I always thought it was some ridiculous thing people with weak constitutions did and I’m made of sterner stuff than that. Apparently not. My next thought was damn that hurt! Anything you’ve seen in the movies is a lie. When you faint you don’t gracefully crumble to the ground. You crash land with a thud and how that does instantly snap someone back to reality again I don’t know. That’s all it took for me to become coherent real quick.

And yes, my nice little Absorbine soak was at fault for my sudden inability to stay vertical. Part of why it works is because it relaxes your capillaries allowing blood to flow more freely. After bending over a standing up really quickly about 6 times in less than a minute all the blood must have been rushing in and out of my head. Oops! At least my back feels awesome today. ;)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hump Day - Get Over It

I'm completely addicted to massages. If I could get them on a regular basis I would. One of the things I loved about The Man when we got together was that he was constantly offering to give me massages. It was wonderful though now I've made him acknowledge that it was blatant false advertising since that didn't last very long past the initial trying to get in my pants phase. Anyways, I found an awesome deal on Groupon for a new place that opened up by my house and since I'm a sucker for their deals I bought one. I went into the place toting my little Groupon deal and psyched beyond belief. Big mistake!! Apparently my masseur was over giving all these damn massages by that point because it was the absolute work massage of my life. A four-year-old wacking me with a rolling pin and a wooden spoon would have felt better. The worst part - that ass actually gave me bruises on my back! I have olive skin and I don't bruise easy so here's a tip to that masseur - find a new line of work cause you suck! Here's to getting over it.

Your Touch - The Black Keys

Monday, August 16, 2010

Sitting with My Head in a Paper Bag

So I’m sitting here thinking about what is coming up on Friday and I’m panicking. Literally, I’m getting nervous, short of breath. Hell, I’m going to start sweating and may need to put my head between my knees and scream until my lungs are empty. I’m panicking. I have 4 more days before I reach the big 2-7.

Okay, I know 27 isn’t typically one of those age numbers that people get worked up about, but for me it’s began to fill like this giant drop off point and there’s a big orange and white blockade with one of those incredibly bright orange rotating lights that is trying to warn me of something. Oh, that’s right. It’s warning me that my 20s are seeping away. It’s warning me that I’ve been out of college for 5 years (where the hell did that time go?) and I haven’t been to even half the places I was so eager to go and I’m standing here staring at a computer screen wondering what the hell I’m doing.

I always figured 26 would be the one that hit me in the gut. The one that said that I’m officially closer to 30 then to 21. The one that says I can’t just act like a dumb ass or screw up monumentally if I feel like it, because I’m an adult. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been fiscally responsible for myself since I was 18. Nope. Still didn’t feel like an adult then, just a teenage with a lot of life pressure and bills.

To squelch my panic-ridden-aging-self, I’m taking another step. In truth, 26 has been filled with lots of steps from giving the idea of having a life plan my middle finger to embracing my new desire to do something good for others and not only myself. But this one is a big one. I’m making my dreams and wants a priority. No more focusing on the what I should be doing. Should is over rated anyway.

I’m not selfish; I’m just living my life for me, for the enjoyment, pleasure and fulfillment of me. I’m embracing that mantra. I’m going to tattoo it on my forehead so that when I wake up every morning it’s in my face saying “Hey. Remember me? What you said you’re going to do with your life?” I’m stopping just being and getting back to living. Maybe I'll make a bucket list for my 20s. Who said it had to be for when you die?

What is your priority?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hump Day - Get Over It

I'm having one of those days. The one where you feel like yanking at the roots of you hair - not to pull it out cause then you'd be bald, but merely to give it a good stretch praying it will relieve some of this tension you feel. At the very least it should at least pull the skin on my forehead a little tighter like a natural botox treatment getting rid of these two little lines that are becoming permanently embedded between my eyebrows. And I know the two instigators are causing those lines: one- the man, two - the j-o-b. So for today's Hump Day we are going to relieve some of that tension.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dear Dryer. I hate you.


Let me begin by saying I’m not the kind of person who automatically resorts to blaming others for my shortcomings. However, since this obviously isn’t my shortcoming, but a morbid plot that my laundering machinery has hatched out, I feel the need to call that bitch out.

Let me assure you that it hasn’t started all at once. She’s been sneaky about it. She started by shrinking one article then another. It was all done so casually that I even began to blame the man for a short amount of time. After all, he’s a guy’s guy and those types are notorious for being less then efficient in any domestic matters. I probably owe him an apology since it wasn’t him who shrunk two of my favorite sun dresses so it now looks like I’m purposely trying to show the world what color my thong is. Natural to think he may have had something to do with that.

However, now that overgrown piece of soon to be scrap metal is being just plain unforgiving. I went to put on my favorite pair of jean shorts last weekend, you know the kind all worn and comfy and glorious in the summertime, and she’d done it again. The damn things wouldn’t button!

I was forgiving when she shrunk my capris to the point that they now cut off the circulation to my legs. I may walk like I’m on stilts because I can’t bend my knees in my only pair of expensive rock republic jeans, but I didn’t hold it against her.

I checked in with every girls arch nemesis, the dreaded scale. And no, he’s not out to get me. He happily told me I’ve only put on two measly pounds this summer, most likely from all that South American vacation food. I’m very doubtful that all two pounds somehow managed to migrate directly to my ass.

Which leaves me with one conclusion, that harmless looking lint pot has it out for me.  With this last assault she has gone too far. I hate her. I’m calling her out. This. Means. War.

Who would you like to send hate mail too?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Duck Tape Prom Dresses?

Have you ever seen something so creative it makes you stop and stare for a minute? Literally, you stare at it for a whole minute. That’s what I just happened to me. I was baffled. The creativity and talent some people have truly amazes me!

I read about the Duck Tapes Stuck at Prom Scholarship Content today and was completely envious of some serious talent these people have. That and I was baffled that apparently this has been going on for 10 years and I’d never heard of it before. Seriously though, I can’t even wrap a bowl in saran wrap without it looking like serious mess let alone make something wearable out of duct tape. The crazy part (yes, aside from the fact that it is tape) is that you can’t even tell this is tape!

Monday, August 2, 2010

It's a Monday - My brain isn't working & I'm digging random crap day!

I'm obsessed with random crap. Random facts, talents, urges, thoughts, misadventures, whatever. And no, not the dirty kind of urges all you pervs who's head instantly sank to the gutter and is probably still bobbing along in there, but the odd kind like that sudden urge you have to stick gum in someone's ear because it is a hole and you suddenly have the random urge to plug that hole. Or maybe you feel the need to suddenly visit every town in the U.S. with a sexually innuendo in it's name. Whatever that randomness may be I love it. Love to hear about it, Love to share it.

My randomness today is filled with a few things. First, I decided to hop onto the Mingle Monday at Life of Meg this morning and check out some new random blogs that I would never of found otherwise.

Second, I came across this sweet ad (go figure I'm in marketing) promoting the Bloody Mary Tudor exhit at the London Dungeon. This is truly amazing and would definitely catch my attention! And apparently I'm not the only one. It's now been banned in train stations and tubes where it ran because of complaints form parents who's children crapped their pants upon seeing it. Literally! Now that is a good ad.



Third on my random plate today are these fun suitcase stickers from TheCheeky.com. Yes, they may cause a few odd looks from people as you wheel your suitcase through the airport and you may have to do some explaining in the security line, but you'd never pick up the wrong bag or have some random guy fondle your bag ever again.


What is your randomness today?
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