I may be a Mess, but I'm a Brilliant F***ing Mess

The first step is acceptance. Check. I’m there. I’m a freaking mess. Okay, this really isn’t news to me. I may be a mess, but I’m a brilliant one with all the lustrousness and great talent that brilliant messes are. Hear is a little insight into the disorder that is uniquely me.

1. The battery in my fobber to unlock my car has been dead for like a year. I’m too damn lazy to change the thing so I use the key. Nevermind that the stupid alarm goes off every time I get into the car. Last winter when I rushed out to the car after work and was trying to jam the key into the ignition to stop the blasting horn when I slipped on the ice and wound up with my head stuck below steering wheel my feet half under the car and my dress up around my boobs with half the college hockey team that practice across the street watching me.p(Side note: still haven’t changed that battery.)

2. When the MSNBC was broadcasting live from my company’s parking lot during the Democratic National Convention and as one of the company’s PR people I was lucky enough to get to climb up on the double decker stage to check out the setting. Only my illustrious self could somehow manage to step too close to a sharp edge by the stairs, that was attracted to back of my pants and rip the entire ass out of my pants to show all of the VPs, CEO and half of the NBC crew my purple thong. Okay and my ass.

3. That time I woke up on the floor.

And finally… At 10:47 this morning I realized that my damn dress was on backwards when I looked down and could see the tag sticking up between my cleavage. Awesome.

What is your brilliance?

The things I love, The things I hate,

Hello my favorite elves and sugarplums! How I have missed you! I promise in the next few days and weeks I'll let you in on the craziness that has been my life. Ever feel like you are rooted up and dumped in a new spot? That's been me. After time and thoughts I'm coming to peace. I promise to share all. The good. The bad. The worst. The light. But today I feel like sharing a little of me in the now rather than what brought me to now. So here it is 3 things I'm hating and 3 things I'm loving.

3 Things I'm Hating
1. Those 40+ hairs that I accidentally fried off while round brushing my hair last month. Those mutinous bastards are sticking straight up any more on my forehead aka Something About Mary style. Yeah. That's just awesome.

2. I'm hating people who think only of themselves at Christmas. It was once my favorite holiday and honestly I carry around cash just to stuff in the red buckets of bell rings. The moment you make a difference in anyone's life means a lot to me and the fact that they will never know means the most. So to all those people who bitch about how Christmas time is to stressful, open your eyes. This isn't about you. Open your heart.

3. No snow. It's Christmas time in Colorado and down in the metro Denver area we've seen as little white as a Hilton sister wedding. Nilche. I miss the snow.

3 Things I Love Right Now
1. I'm loving this Barbie. Maybe it's a little Dexter meets Oxygen Networks Snapped, but way to take control Barbie! Check out the little poochie in the corner just staring at headless Ken.

2. The text I got from my girls today who recently moved to the Lonestar state. "Hey girl I miss ya!" That's the type of thing that makes me smile for a random instant in the day. Big mental hug to one of my besties. Hope she felt it.

3. And I'm a country girl no matter where I go in life so a little country music makes me happy. At this moment I'm smiling to a little Blake Shelton's Who Are You When I'm Not Looking on repeat.

What are you loving (or hating) right now?

27 may have a bite, but hey, I've got teeth too.

I’ve been absent. My blogging buddies as we all know absent bloggers often mean something big is happening in our lives or a few somethings big. In my case it is the later. Big, I mean BIG things are happening in my little corner of the world.

As all of you know I took turning 27 a little hard.  I was panicking with my “what the hell have I done with my life?” and my 20s are just seeping away like a bottle of tequila on margarita Monday in a sorority house. A strange thing happened when the actual birthday came. I was perfectly calm and unaffected.

I’m convinced it was due to my new plan to grapple with that bitch 27, and I’m not above pulling hair or eye gauging in this case. After the initial calm 27 poked her catty head in the door, snickered at me and with the wrathful indifference only she can have threw up all kinds of suckiness on my new comfy pillow top couch and my life. Hello bad news and angry feeling. Make yourself at home. So yeah, round 1 went to 27.    

But despite the crap she brought in her wake I'm coming out the winner. 27 is going down. I've come up screaming, gasping for air and fists swinging. One month in and volatile 27 is vacuuming up my living room and tipping her head to me. And maybe we will one day be friends. Maybe. 

I’m taking that step I whined so much while tucking my head in between my knees because 26 was panicking about coming to an end. 27 seems to be respecting that as she snidely remarks "It's about damn time. That cowering whiner isn't you." I'm taking all the crap 27 brought in on her arrival in stride and stomping the hell out of it when it peeks at me in a manner other than meekly. And in the mists of all of this there was that step I'm taking that will make an exciting change for the better. The BIG change for the good that is exciting, slightly nerve racking because of the constant talk of economic issues, but exciting none the less. 

What BIG thing are you making happen?

Sitting with My Head in a Paper Bag

So I’m sitting here thinking about what is coming up on Friday and I’m panicking. Literally, I’m getting nervous, short of breath. Hell, I’m going to start sweating and may need to put my head between my knees and scream until my lungs are empty. I’m panicking. I have 4 more days before I reach the big 2-7.

Okay, I know 27 isn’t typically one of those age numbers that people get worked up about, but for me it’s began to fill like this giant drop off point and there’s a big orange and white blockade with one of those incredibly bright orange rotating lights that is trying to warn me of something. Oh, that’s right. It’s warning me that my 20s are seeping away. It’s warning me that I’ve been out of college for 5 years (where the hell did that time go?) and I haven’t been to even half the places I was so eager to go and I’m standing here staring at a computer screen wondering what the hell I’m doing.

I always figured 26 would be the one that hit me in the gut. The one that said that I’m officially closer to 30 then to 21. The one that says I can’t just act like a dumb ass or screw up monumentally if I feel like it, because I’m an adult. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been fiscally responsible for myself since I was 18. Nope. Still didn’t feel like an adult then, just a teenage with a lot of life pressure and bills.

To squelch my panic-ridden-aging-self, I’m taking another step. In truth, 26 has been filled with lots of steps from giving the idea of having a life plan my middle finger to embracing my new desire to do something good for others and not only myself. But this one is a big one. I’m making my dreams and wants a priority. No more focusing on the what I should be doing. Should is over rated anyway.

I’m not selfish; I’m just living my life for me, for the enjoyment, pleasure and fulfillment of me. I’m embracing that mantra. I’m going to tattoo it on my forehead so that when I wake up every morning it’s in my face saying “Hey. Remember me? What you said you’re going to do with your life?” I’m stopping just being and getting back to living. Maybe I'll make a bucket list for my 20s. Who said it had to be for when you die?

What is your priority?

It's a Monday - My brain isn't working & I'm digging random crap day!

I'm obsessed with random crap. Random facts, talents, urges, thoughts, misadventures, whatever. And no, not the dirty kind of urges all you pervs who's head instantly sank to the gutter and is probably still bobbing along in there, but the odd kind like that sudden urge you have to stick gum in someone's ear because it is a hole and you suddenly have the random urge to plug that hole. Or maybe you feel the need to suddenly visit every town in the U.S. with a sexually innuendo in it's name. Whatever that randomness may be I love it. Love to hear about it, Love to share it.

My randomness today is filled with a few things. First, I decided to hop onto the Mingle Monday at Life of Meg this morning and check out some new random blogs that I would never of found otherwise.

Second, I came across this sweet ad (go figure I'm in marketing) promoting the Bloody Mary Tudor exhit at the London Dungeon. This is truly amazing and would definitely catch my attention! And apparently I'm not the only one. It's now been banned in train stations and tubes where it ran because of complaints form parents who's children crapped their pants upon seeing it. Literally! Now that is a good ad.



Third on my random plate today are these fun suitcase stickers from TheCheeky.com. Yes, they may cause a few odd looks from people as you wheel your suitcase through the airport and you may have to do some explaining in the security line, but you'd never pick up the wrong bag or have some random guy fondle your bag ever again.

   

What is your randomness today?

Relationships. Forget the a la carte menu. Go for all inclusive.

2010 has been a seriously interesting year so far. For several of my friends it has been filled with some major life changes and undoubtedly when you’re in one of those moments you get to see the good, the great and the downright eFFed up relationships that you have.

A guy who has repeatedly begged my friend to move clear across the country with him acts surprised when she is hesitant when he can’t even text, yet alone call her, on V-day, her birthday or even within the same 24 hours when she has called him. (douche alert.)

I call bullshit.

A guy friend who asks his girlfriend to move in with him and after she does rips his ass in front of his friends and always takes off for days at a time over every little fight. They she has the nerve to act surprised when he asks her to move out. (Seriously? WTF did she expect to happen?)

I call bullshit.

A girl friend at long last after lots of trying, fertility drugs, one miscarriage, several rounds of AI action and buckets of tears was finally pregnant. At a time in the pregnancy when the baby’s health was in serious question and doctors were preparing her for the possibility of aborting the pregnancy pending some test results her sister-in-law decides to announce that she is pregnant. Oh it gets better, the in-law is only 5 weeks along (hello, you don’t tell people that early) and, get this, doesn’t want my friend to tell her husband cause the in-law wants to tell him on his birthday! (Did she really think he would be thrilled to hear that when they may have to abort his own baby?)

BULLSHIT!

Relationships, whether it is family, friends, hell even business, are a two way street driven by communication and respect. No one should just expect someone else to do something for them just because that is what they want. We have to earn it!

You can’t just pick when it is convenient for you to be part of that relationship and forget all about the other person any other time. A relationship is an intricate dance of give and take. It’s never ending. If you want to be part of it strap on the ballet shoes and bring an extra pair for them.

The beauty of the best relationships are the unexpected little perks that you will get out of them. The friend you’ve spent months listening to vent all their frustrations suddenly stops talking a gives you a big hug because they instinctively know that everything isn’t alright in your world and they’re going to be there for you to cry to, vent to or just lean on. The love of your life who buys 3 avocadoes at the grocery store when it only takes 2 to make guacamole just because he knows you will want one to eat with garlic salt because you do the same for him all the time.

The people who don’t return the sentiments, don’t return the respect, are the ones that you end up being better off without. I’ve spent 5 years weeding out the relationships that haven’t been mutually gratifying to me and invested myself in cultivating the ones that have. As such I’m a happier person.

I do my best to never treat anyone like they are the mustard. You should never be anyone’s condiment. Be the entire entrée with a little dessert thrown in on the side.

Image: healingdream / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A Gypsy at Heart

It's true. I have a gypsy's heart. I get the itch. I can't sit still. I can feel an antsiness in my blood. It's all I can do not to pack myself a light bag, grab a case of rockstars and all my favorite CDs, and take off in the car. I don't even really care where I'm going. I wouldn't make a plan of what to do. I'd just know it when I get there.

I've never been very good a staying in one spot. Maybe it comes from living in so many different places growing up or having a revolving door on the houses that brought so many different kind of people into my life. I like newness and change.

We are all wanderers on this earth. Our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams. 

During the college years I would pick off and take off for days at a time whenever I got the urge. I miss those kind of days. I really miss being able to pick everything up and take off at a moments notice. Sometimes the restrictions of having a steady job, car payments and student loans seem more stifling then rewarding.

I'll be honest. One of the reasons I may be so itchy right now is because my birthday is barely a month away. It's been another year and I tend to become unsure if I'm doing enough with my life. I get that feeling that I'm not living it enough. Then again what is enough?

I often wonder if I'll ever be content and relaxed in the place I am. Will I ever free comfortable and at home with where I am, or am I destined to always feel this itch a couple time a year and yearn to uproot myself and find something new?

Is there any substance that that elusive feeling of home?

My Hump Day Pick Me Ups

It's hump day again. Wednesdays for me are always a beotch, and I can always use a little something something to help me get through without napping under my desk or jabbing my eyes out with a pencil.So I figure this week I'd share what's getting me through. Cut to me bouncing in my office chair and yes, I may even bust out a quick air guitar. Aw hump day - here's to getting over it!

(The Spill Canvas - Our Song)

And these are a few of my tried and true make me feel all fuzzy and happy songs:

Modest Mouse - Float On

Snow Patrol - Hands Open
The Barenaked Ladies - The Old Apartment

Racking Up Life's Brownie Points

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.” - Anthony Robbins

In the last several months I've hit this weird stride where I'm being more consiencious of what I'm doing. I'm being all charitable and racking up a few brownie points with life. Knowing me I'm going to need them one day, likely sooner then later. I'm convinced that all those odd random little things that have happened to me are becuase I deserved it in some way. Okay, I know that sounds a lot like Karma, but I'm convinced Karma is only for the really big stuff that you do. Like say you sideswipe an old lady hobbling along with your car or you sleep with every boyfriend your college roommate has had since you started living together. (I know someone who did that second one and I'm convinced that is why all her boyfriend cheat on her now.)  That's when Karma kicks in and bites you in the ass.

The rest is all just lifes little brownie points. You've got so much of them and when you run out those things like someone side swiping your car, breaking a heel, or falling off the curb and spraining your ankle happen. It's the universes way of saying "Hey, asshole. Time to make a contribution for the greater good." Well universe, I got the message. So now I'm working on racking up some of life's little brownie points.

I've mentioned before my recent decision to put in some charity hours at PPRM, but I'm doing more then that. Don't get me wrong, that's the only big thing. I'm not quite willing to give up too much of my time and that's not how you get life's brownie points anyway - remember it has to be little things.

So first I decided to start donating a little money when I got those little please donate to this cause things in the mail. The only ask for $10 so what can that hurt? Beware. I'm convinced that all charities share a database and they flag you when you do this. Not only will you receive tons of requests from them, but then everyone is all over you for money. I killed that idea pretty quick and kept working on my other brownie point gathering tactics that are much easier like letting someone infront of me in traffic and not hitting every free sample stand at Costco on Saturdays 4-8 times and callilng it lunch.

Yesterday I did something big! I'm talking 20 point worth at least. I found a credit card in the parking lot at Target and instead of just leaving it there where anyone could steal it and use it, I took it inside and asked the customer service people to page the lady who's name it was on the card. When no one showed up I made the guy cut it up for me. (Your welcome Agnes something or other.) And you know what? It actually felt pretty damn good. I got the warm and tingles for about 10 minutes. So I guess even if I didn't earn all 20 brownie points, then that's okay.

What are you doing to rack up life's brownie points?

Tuesdays - WTF?

I saw this today, loved it and felt it was a must share cause this is how my week is feeling.

You ever have one of those weeks when everything makes you want to scream and punch coworkers, the guy that was riding his brakes all damn morning and eventually random old ladies on the street for walking slow and smiling at you? (I promise that isn't an everyday occurrence, but more of a random feeling today, and yesterday, and maybe tomorrow.)  Well, that's my week so far. It's one of those that sends me home on a Monday to veg on a coach and watch Leverage on the DVR with 2 giant pint size glasses of homemade Sangria because a wine glass just wasn't going to be big enough.  And it's only Tuesday. 

Makes me seriously wonder where this week is going to end up. But wait, Friday is a half-day of work and Monday is off thanks to the independence of America. God bless the USA, bottle rockets, hot dogs, apple pie, beer koozies, and most importantly our soldiers. Without you I'd be working on Monday and speaking in a funny British accent that would most likely resemble a combo of Kiera Knightley and Charlie Hunnam's real accents (it wouldn't sound to pretty). 

So that brings us to next Tuesday and wondering: WTF will it bring? 

Life isn’t about finding yourself, It’s about creating yourself!

You ever hear people say “I’m finding myself”? Well, I absolutely hate that saying. It’s ridiculous and makes no sense. How can you find yourself? It’s not as if you were somewhere then whoops turned around and you’re gone. You didn’t misplace yourself somewhere. No one is going to hand you a map or plug the coordinates into your GPS and presto! There you are. It’s you! The one you’ve spent all this time looking for.

In life we don’t find ourselves, we create ourselves!

We have never been here before and we will never be here, in this moment in time again. With every choice, every action, every thought - we create. We Hope. We dream. We embrace. We cry. We fall. We love. We lose. We explore. We live. 

Our life and the people we become are our creation.

I believe I’m still creating myself. The self I want to be. The better me. The more involved me. The more humble, more compassionate, more dedicated, more inspired me.  Every day I continue to work toward creating the me I want to be. 

It's not about being content with who you are, but continuing to strive to achieve a better you. Everyone of us is beautiful in our own right. We do not need to find ourselves, for we are already here. We already know who we are. The question is, "Is this the best person I can be?" I resoundingly say NO!

Because of this I will never stop creating. Never stop evolving. And most importantly never stop learning. I learn, I live and I create. 

May you always appreciate the you, you are and you, you are creating. Who will the you, you create be?

A head full of useless facts & absurd skills

Sometimes I wish I could delete all the useless information that has accumulated in my brain over the last 26. Out with the old and in with some stuff that may actually be useful!

Most importantly I would delete the ability to say the ABC’s backwards. There was some very stupid myth in the 90s that cops would make you say the ABC’s backwards if you were pulled over. At the ripe of 11 I decided that I better learn how to do that. I was terrified of being hauled off to jail on suspicion of a DUI when I was only speeding all because I couldn’t say them backwards. The things kids will believe.

Fifteen years later it is more of an inconvenience than anything. I do now have it on good authority that cops will not ask you say your ABC’s backwards for any reason. It’s apparently not a common thing people can do. Plus it screws me up when I’m trying to figure out what letter comes after which. I actually have to stop and think (okay, yes and sing a little) is it N-O-P-Q or Q-P-O-N?

Amazingly being able to recite every state in the US alphabetically still comes in handy! I’m keeping that one. Thank you 5th grade! Everybody sing it - Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas….

So with a head full of useless facts what is a girl to do? Looks like I'll just have to stick to rocking at trivia games.

If you could purge your brain of useless knowledge what would you delete?

The Almost Vacation -But Not Quite Here Yet- Blues

It’s official. I’m finally going to get another stamp in my passport! The St. Lucia stamp was starting to get lonely, so what else could I do but give it a little company? The bad thing about scheduling a vacation is that the waiting period suddenly becomes so much longer. May 28th why, oh why, can’t you just get here?

If you know me then you know that when I get an idea in my head or a notion to do something I do it. I don’t sit and talk about how I would love to do this, or it would be so fun to do that, or I’ve always wanted to try… I take charge, pull the lever and send myself in there guns blazing. I’m proud of the dedication and determination I have to embrace every opportunity and challenge. Without it I would never have rode waves of the coast of Hawaii, jumped out of an airplane on a beautiful October morning, or had the courage to explore school again and a change in career.

Yes, I admit that sometimes things can go awry. Otherwise I would never have had the pleasure of cruising through airports in a wheelchair on the way back from New Orleans. But to me it was completely worth it. When else would I have randomly stumbled onto a pirate’s convention and spent the weekend hanging with swashbucklers?

You see, one of my biggest goals is to truly see and do everything. Anything from cruising the canals of Venice in a gondola, and eating native nuts with the Pigmies, to fishing the anchovies run in South Africa and even seeing that damn 5 legged calf in Kansas. Yes, everything. The important thing is gaining the experience. Feeling something, learning something, exploring my understanding, expanding the mind and embracing another day that could have and would have just gone by.

As with anything, the key to reaching a goal is to make that first step. So, here I go again taking another step.  This time I will be stepping into Costa Rica where I will spend 10 days touring the canals in the rainforest, hiking up volcanoes, sea kayaking along the coast, and embracing the local culture from the Gulf side clear to the Pacific. Who knows, with a little luck I may even get the chance to put those surf lessons to good use again.

Now if only I can make it the 3 weeks till I take off for some vaca time.

Friendly Friday - An Ode to True Friends!

I received this email today and it truly does remind me of what friendship is like to me. Thanks to all of my rockstar friends! I love ya! Enjoy!

1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you..

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6.. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have....

8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- after I'm finished laughing my ass off and pointing at you!!

This is my oath.....I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask; -- because you are my FRIEND!

Side Note: Friendship is like peeing your pants, Everyone can see it, But only YOU Can feel the True warmth...

Damn You April - Damn You!

It’s official. I’m jinxed. Or April is jinxed. Or maybe it’s a little bit of both. Any which way you look at it, April and me, we apparently don’t get along. More specifically April has it out for me. At the very least it has it out for my knees.

I spent last Sunday giving the Skyla a few last runs before she returns to the basement for the long summer season. Springtime on the mountain is great. There is always a chance of a freak storm that will dust the resorts with upwards for 2 feet of snow. It’s the days Coloradans dream of. On the flip side the temp can also creep into the 50s and the runs begin to take the consistency of mashed potatoes. Then the following morning all that slushy greatness has frozen packing the runs with ice. That’s the down side and last Sunday it gave April the chance to come back and bite me in the ass again, or the knees.

About 4 hours into my farewell to winter day, the ice was turning back to gooey softness again and I was picking up speed with each run. Then fate stepped in and I managed to find the last patch of ice with my toe edge. Slam! Knees go down, both cracking against said ice patch. After rolling stopping my downward spiral down the mountain I proceed to rock back and forth for a good ten minutes grabbing my knees before proceeding cautiously down the remainder of the run. That was it. My day was done.

Several days later the left one is still sporting a nasty purple moon and the right has what I can only describe as a mini-tumor growing just beneath the cap. After little change and significant prodding by the man I’m finally going to the doctor to have them looked at.  

What I realized in the process of setting up said appointment is this isn’t the first time my knees and April have crossed paths and I’ve lost.  If you know me you know that my knees are practically my nemesis by themselves. Four times they’ve failed me and you guessed it, almost all of those have been in April. Who could forget the so called pirate incident in New Orleans exactly a year ago. ;) After all it’s not really a vacation unless someone comes back in a wheel chair. (Side note – Beware of the Hurricanes & Hand Grenades in the Big Easy)

This one goes to you April, but be warned – next year will be mine even if have ride in a damn little rascal scooters like an old person all month. In the meantime let’s call us square this year.  

Overbooked or Living?

I over book. Chronically. No, not in my work life. Somehow I can prioritize that to perfection. But my personal life is a polar opposite.  I’m afraid I’m going to miss out on something that I will later wish I hadn’t. So I overbook.

Honestly, I think it originally stems from parents that were often over controlling and required at least 48 hours notice before I could go do something. No spur of the moment slumber parties for me growing up and deciding I wanted to go to a football game two hours before was definitely out. When I got to college I wanted to experience everything. No one could tell me no so I embraced it all. House party at 11 pm on a Tuesday or Random road trip to Vegas? Bring it on!

So you think after the college years I would have gotten over it. Nope, I still continue to overbook now. Being home before 11 only one or two nights a week is okay with me. The down side? I keep myself running to point that I forget to take some “me” time. I also tend to forget to make “us” time with the man. But, I’m happiest when I’m embracing the possibility of enjoying myself.

Then a day like Wednesday hits. It dumps so much snow the little kids down the block are seriously trying to build snow caves in their front yard. And I hit a wall. I get tired. Not the take-a-30-minute-power-nap tired, but the kind when my brain has powered down, I’m sputtering nonsense, and I feel like my butt is dragging on the ground. But it’s only mid-week and slipping in a PTO day isn’t an option (I refuse to use one unless I’m really sick or doing something fun). So I grab a case of diet coke (literally), vow to spend a weekend filled with “me” and “us” time, and strike out on another day.

Fast forward two days to today and what do you see? Have I slowed down like I promised? Nope. I’ve done it again. I’ve booked myself solid. That wall dissipates as usual, but not through resting and doing nothing. That wall dissolves with every laugh that escapes my lips, every smile that reaches my eyes, and all of the little moments I’ve embraced. For me, those are what life is about.