The Boobie Jingle

I’ve talked about my job before, but in case you are new here’s a little background: I’m an Account Manager for an internet marketing company. One of our client niche areas is plastic surgery, so I’m constantly cruising through plastic surgery sites all day long.  So yes, I know a ridiculous amount about plastic surgery now. So when I finally get the girls done (It’s going to happen even if it isn’t till after I have kids and make The Man pay to put my body back in the shape it’s supposed to be in. If by some random chance I do have kids that is.) I’m going to know exactly what to look for and what I want.

Anyways, part of my day is spent checking out my client’s competitors to figure out what they are doing and how we can virtually kick their asses. So today I stumbled across something that cracked me up. One of my client’s is in Phily and that, my friends, is where I found what I’m now fondly calling The Boobie Jingle. You can listen to it here.

This is terrible marketing! Whoever came up with this needs to be smacked - repeatedly.

Seriously ladies, does this make any of you want to visit this surgeon?

My Hump Day Pick Me Ups

It's hump day again. Wednesdays for me are always a beotch, and I can always use a little something something to help me get through without napping under my desk or jabbing my eyes out with a pencil.So I figure this week I'd share what's getting me through. Cut to me bouncing in my office chair and yes, I may even bust out a quick air guitar. Aw hump day - here's to getting over it!

(The Spill Canvas - Our Song)

And these are a few of my tried and true make me feel all fuzzy and happy songs:

Modest Mouse - Float On

Snow Patrol - Hands Open
The Barenaked Ladies - The Old Apartment

Racking Up Life's Brownie Points

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.” - Anthony Robbins

In the last several months I've hit this weird stride where I'm being more consiencious of what I'm doing. I'm being all charitable and racking up a few brownie points with life. Knowing me I'm going to need them one day, likely sooner then later. I'm convinced that all those odd random little things that have happened to me are becuase I deserved it in some way. Okay, I know that sounds a lot like Karma, but I'm convinced Karma is only for the really big stuff that you do. Like say you sideswipe an old lady hobbling along with your car or you sleep with every boyfriend your college roommate has had since you started living together. (I know someone who did that second one and I'm convinced that is why all her boyfriend cheat on her now.)  That's when Karma kicks in and bites you in the ass.

The rest is all just lifes little brownie points. You've got so much of them and when you run out those things like someone side swiping your car, breaking a heel, or falling off the curb and spraining your ankle happen. It's the universes way of saying "Hey, asshole. Time to make a contribution for the greater good." Well universe, I got the message. So now I'm working on racking up some of life's little brownie points.

I've mentioned before my recent decision to put in some charity hours at PPRM, but I'm doing more then that. Don't get me wrong, that's the only big thing. I'm not quite willing to give up too much of my time and that's not how you get life's brownie points anyway - remember it has to be little things.

So first I decided to start donating a little money when I got those little please donate to this cause things in the mail. The only ask for $10 so what can that hurt? Beware. I'm convinced that all charities share a database and they flag you when you do this. Not only will you receive tons of requests from them, but then everyone is all over you for money. I killed that idea pretty quick and kept working on my other brownie point gathering tactics that are much easier like letting someone infront of me in traffic and not hitting every free sample stand at Costco on Saturdays 4-8 times and callilng it lunch.

Yesterday I did something big! I'm talking 20 point worth at least. I found a credit card in the parking lot at Target and instead of just leaving it there where anyone could steal it and use it, I took it inside and asked the customer service people to page the lady who's name it was on the card. When no one showed up I made the guy cut it up for me. (Your welcome Agnes something or other.) And you know what? It actually felt pretty damn good. I got the warm and tingles for about 10 minutes. So I guess even if I didn't earn all 20 brownie points, then that's okay.

What are you doing to rack up life's brownie points?

Tuesdays - WTF?

I saw this today, loved it and felt it was a must share cause this is how my week is feeling.

You ever have one of those weeks when everything makes you want to scream and punch coworkers, the guy that was riding his brakes all damn morning and eventually random old ladies on the street for walking slow and smiling at you? (I promise that isn't an everyday occurrence, but more of a random feeling today, and yesterday, and maybe tomorrow.)  Well, that's my week so far. It's one of those that sends me home on a Monday to veg on a coach and watch Leverage on the DVR with 2 giant pint size glasses of homemade Sangria because a wine glass just wasn't going to be big enough.  And it's only Tuesday. 

Makes me seriously wonder where this week is going to end up. But wait, Friday is a half-day of work and Monday is off thanks to the independence of America. God bless the USA, bottle rockets, hot dogs, apple pie, beer koozies, and most importantly our soldiers. Without you I'd be working on Monday and speaking in a funny British accent that would most likely resemble a combo of Kiera Knightley and Charlie Hunnam's real accents (it wouldn't sound to pretty). 

So that brings us to next Tuesday and wondering: WTF will it bring? 

The Misadventures of Lake Powell 2010

So my most recent adventure to Lake Powell was a combination of hilarity, dreams of mice, sunscreen, water floaties and banana hammocks saturated in booze and tossed onto a houseboat that by day two reeked of septic backup. Here are a few highlights:

While some people fly pirate flags, our crew in true Nebraskan fashion flew a Husker flag. That’s right a great big ass red flag with a white N. There was no question where most on this boat hailed from.  And if that wasn’t enough to proclaim where the patrons of that boat belonged then the giant “N” that we was resurrected at our first docking spot definitely was.

And just when I thought I was finally too old to get obscenely drunk and pass out in an odd spot I do, but at least I can blame it on The Man.  Pomegranate Pearl Vodka and a little Sprite Zero go down way to easy! Four ridiculously strong drinks later and a realization that I’ve become a pansy since leaving college, I took a look at the bottle and suddenly felt myself hit a wall. My drunk sea legs weren’t going to cut it anymore.  I was done. Out for the count. So what do I do? I crawl up underneath the 8 plus inflated floaties in one of the staterooms and proceed to take one the of best siestas of my life. Only to wake up with a fairly significant buzz hours later. That’s right. I can’t hang like I used to.

Also, there is nothing quite like resurrecting a game of truth or dare. Thanks to that I’ve seen a drunk guy sing I’m a little teapot while twirling around on a cooler, friends play bucking bull and try to dump each other into the dirt, and just about everyone in a banana hammock (yes, some of the girls too).

Did you know that mice (and apparently other disgusting creatures) will crawl up the lines at night while the boat is docked? All it took was one mention of this and I was dreaming of little mice crawling across my bed every night. While it never happened, the mere thought was enough to have me kicking out randomly at least 20 times per night. Tip: bring something to put on the ropes to fend off the little creepy, disease-ridden rodents.

Oh and one last antidote. When packing of course I remembered all the essentials like sunscreen, bug spray, water floaties and several cases of beer, but who would have ever thought to pack mass amounts of Febreeze? Well, I’m telling you that is another must have with 10 people all using the same crapper, and one in particular dropping 4-6 loads a day. The smell is builds up quick and at a whopping 10 miles an hour cruising speed you can’t generate enough wind flow to carry away the smell.

All in all, it was a hell of a time. What was your favorite random vacation with friends?

Why should I work when I could perpetually be on vacation?

The worst part about any vacation is coming home. I know some people are ready to crawl back into their own comfy beds and gorge themselves on American hamburgers, but not me. Okay, that’s not fully true. I did gorge myself on the Wendy’s frosty/fries combo. (God bless you Dave!) I am already missing you Costa Rica. What more could I ask for from my little adventure then the sound of waves crashing into the beach (off both coasts), several species of crazy monkeys and buttery plantains with every meal.

I know! Another vacation because hey, who really needs to be at work anyways? Definitely not me. That’s right kiddies. I’m off to Lake Powell with the NEB crew. Translation: hello to more sun (Yes, I’m getting seriously brown) and a houseboat full of booze. Ain’t summer grand?

Where would you go right now if you could?

Does this high school grad make me look old?

It’s official. My little bitty baby bro isn’t so little bitty anymore. Yes, I know he has dwarfed me since he was 14, but the kid –ahem, excuse me- guy is finally grown up. I can attest to that since I spent the entire weekend coming to that realization. It didn’t happen right away, it was more like a 12 step, okay 2 step process.

1. The military dress
I showed up in Riverton and caught up with the bro on Saturday, after he had spent half the day on orders, which I learned is what it’s called when you’re on duty for your one-weekend-a-month with the National Guard. Since he was done with his tasks but still technically on call he had to stay suited up in his uniform for the rest of the day just in case the call and need him somewhere.  So when I saw him he was still in uniform.
That’s when it slowly began to set in. Yes, he did really sign up for 8 years in the guard and he is going to basic training next month. Sure, I’ve seen pictures of him in the gear, but it’s not the same as seeing it in person.

2. The cap and gown
Sunday came and so did graduation day. In Riverton it took place in the gymnasium since that’s the only place big enough to hold all those people inside – hey, its Wyoming and you don’t hold anything outside in May. It may very likely snow. As we sat down I quickly realized I hadn’t seen the inside of a high school gym in 9 years. It was a little awkward being in one again and you think I would have remembered how wood bench can make your butt numb in 2 minutes.  I seriously wish I would have thought of bringing a blanket, pillow, butt donut, anything to sit on! I digress…

With an 8 year difference, I’ve always seen Chans as my baby bro, but in a cap and gown my thinking really had to start changing. After all he was done with school and taking the diploma. Funny enough when they began playing the senior video and his face popped up and he waved at the camera I got teary.  Awww! It was ridiculous. I didn’t get teary at my own graduation, was actually rather nonchalant about the whole thing, but his I got a little choked up. Don’t worry I quickly recovered.

Congratulations Chans! May  your road never be too rocky, may you always appreciate each and every success, and may you always remain as humble as you were that day.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain