Blame it on the Booze. Blame it on Jenny.

I realized the other day that it has been way, and I mean WAY too long since I've gotten together with some of my best girlies from college. I was telling the man how it was time for me to have a random girls weekend. We all live only a few hours apart, so we try to get together and hang, drink beers, make snarky comments at anyone in the vicinity – in essence be our fabulous selves - every few months. Unfortunately March was our last go round. The man’s comments to my spur of the moment idea? “Sure, but don't get thrown out of a bar this time.”

Damn! I swear he never forgets anything. That instantly got me thinking about the last time we were together and how I managed to get my happy ass bounce out of a bar for the second time in my life. Now I feel the need to share. Settle in. It's not a short story, but it's definitely worth it.

The last time the girls all came into town we were going out and getting shitty in true college throw back style which meant a hotel room would become mandatory. (Remember kids, never drink and drive.) After bouncing around to several bars we finally ended up hitting a very cliche clubby style place complete with $8 beers, posers getting bottle service to get girls to talk to them, and a 22-year-old wavering between puking in the toilet and passing out with her face on the seat. This is not my kind of scene at all being a sports bar, live music scene or hidden dive bar kind of girl myself, however some of the others live in the W-Y-O so clubs are a rarity to be explored whenever possible.

Before arriving the night had been fairly tame. We were tipping back drinks, throwing back the occasional shot and laughing about everything out of the other's mouth. Nothing too excessive. I should have known we were in for trouble when Jen sauntered up to one of the poser's with bottle service, grabbed the bottle and topped of all of our drinks with Grey Goose (thank god we were already drinking vodka or that could have gotten nasty.)

Sometime shortly after, and several top offs later, the dancing vibe took hold of us all. As we elbowed our way onto the overcrowded dance floor we somehow managed to get stuck along the side by the velvety roped off booths. I honestly can't remember how it happened, maybe it was just to crowded and Jen didn't realize that the rope was right behind her, but the next thing I know she's falling head first onto the privileged side and dragging me down with her. Apparently they weren't so thrilled to have us literally crashing their little party.

I was up and on my feet quick enough, but Jen definitely wasn't having somehow tangled herself up with the rope and poles that hold it. She did have some assistance though, unfortunately it was in the form of three pissed off bouncers who picked her up  -two at her legs and one with her arms - and began to drag her out of the club. Nothing pisses me off more then rude ass people. They could have asked us to leave or hell better yet turned her over so they weren't carrying her out face down to insure they didn't smack her face on the steps as they hauled her down the stairs and out the door (her face ended up being safe by the way). And since I don't know how to keep my mouth shut and if my friend's ass is getting physically tossed out it's likely I'll be right there mouthing off enough to get tossed too. I'm nothing if not loyal.

But the assholeness didn't stop there. The jerk who'd decided to help me leave the premises didn't just set me down on the street. Nope he felt the need to set me in the middle of the sidewalk and proceed to chest bump me off the curb into the street. I'm 5'4" so having a 6' something guy do this seemed excessive and I wasn't having any of it. I hopped right back up on the curb informing him the sidewalk was public domain and he couldn't evicted me from it with his giant man boobs.

At this point a cop decided to intercede and find out what the issue was. I happily explained my argument and my concerns at the lack of the bouncer's knowledge of the zoning laws, which likely weren't his fault given my doubts that his IQ ever developed past that of a toddler. To my surprise the cop laughed, actually laughed, told the bouncer to desist in harassing me and kindly offered to hail us a cab.


Life Lessons Learned:
1) You can't man handle her, she's a girl! is not a valid argument with bouncers. (Sorry H. It was a good try.)
2) Yelling Put her down now and we can walk out douche bags! will get your ass picked up a hauled out right along with your friend.
3) I can apparently make intelligent legal arguments while bombed.
4) Some cops do have a sense of humor at 1 a.m.

Relationships. Forget the a la carte menu. Go for all inclusive.

2010 has been a seriously interesting year so far. For several of my friends it has been filled with some major life changes and undoubtedly when you’re in one of those moments you get to see the good, the great and the downright eFFed up relationships that you have.

A guy who has repeatedly begged my friend to move clear across the country with him acts surprised when she is hesitant when he can’t even text, yet alone call her, on V-day, her birthday or even within the same 24 hours when she has called him. (douche alert.)

I call bullshit.

A guy friend who asks his girlfriend to move in with him and after she does rips his ass in front of his friends and always takes off for days at a time over every little fight. They she has the nerve to act surprised when he asks her to move out. (Seriously? WTF did she expect to happen?)

I call bullshit.

A girl friend at long last after lots of trying, fertility drugs, one miscarriage, several rounds of AI action and buckets of tears was finally pregnant. At a time in the pregnancy when the baby’s health was in serious question and doctors were preparing her for the possibility of aborting the pregnancy pending some test results her sister-in-law decides to announce that she is pregnant. Oh it gets better, the in-law is only 5 weeks along (hello, you don’t tell people that early) and, get this, doesn’t want my friend to tell her husband cause the in-law wants to tell him on his birthday! (Did she really think he would be thrilled to hear that when they may have to abort his own baby?)

BULLSHIT!

Relationships, whether it is family, friends, hell even business, are a two way street driven by communication and respect. No one should just expect someone else to do something for them just because that is what they want. We have to earn it!

You can’t just pick when it is convenient for you to be part of that relationship and forget all about the other person any other time. A relationship is an intricate dance of give and take. It’s never ending. If you want to be part of it strap on the ballet shoes and bring an extra pair for them.

The beauty of the best relationships are the unexpected little perks that you will get out of them. The friend you’ve spent months listening to vent all their frustrations suddenly stops talking a gives you a big hug because they instinctively know that everything isn’t alright in your world and they’re going to be there for you to cry to, vent to or just lean on. The love of your life who buys 3 avocadoes at the grocery store when it only takes 2 to make guacamole just because he knows you will want one to eat with garlic salt because you do the same for him all the time.

The people who don’t return the sentiments, don’t return the respect, are the ones that you end up being better off without. I’ve spent 5 years weeding out the relationships that haven’t been mutually gratifying to me and invested myself in cultivating the ones that have. As such I’m a happier person.

I do my best to never treat anyone like they are the mustard. You should never be anyone’s condiment. Be the entire entrée with a little dessert thrown in on the side.

Image: healingdream / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Hello Liam. Welcome.

Today was a weird day for me. I'm not, repeat NOT, a kid person and even less of a baby person. Honestly I believe that humans and birdies have the ugliest offspring. We are not attractive in our first few hours and months of our lives. I'm the last person who will ever ask to hold a baby. I don't get why people get so excited and want to cuddle them, make stupid cooey noises and faces at them and tell people that they are the cutest baby ever.

Yep that's me. I'm a bit of a baby hater. My tolerance and mild interest in children begin when they are like 2 or 3 and they have a personality. Then I like to teach them to do things like drop ice cubes down their mother's cleavage or pick coins out of fountains (okay, maybe that is only with my sister's kids. Other people get really pissed off if you do that). At this stage their kind of funny and their view on everything in life is very amusing.

But the odd thing is, I was incredibly excited to hear about Liam making his grand debut this morning. One of my closest friends, Des, is the proud new mother. I'm incredibly excited for her. I was moved by the story she told me of how he made it into the world, how it felt to her, and how the last several hours have been since. I was warmed to the depths of my little baby indifferent heart.

And (gasp!) I find myself excited to say hello to the little guy. Maybe it's because I've been here to hear about everything from his first kicks to all the disgusting things that your body does. Maybe it's because we've been such close friends. Who knows. All I can say is that I'm truly happy for them - not the kind where you say you are happy and wish congrats - but the kind that makes your face tingly and you can't help but smiling.

Welcome to the world little guy!

A Gypsy at Heart

It's true. I have a gypsy's heart. I get the itch. I can't sit still. I can feel an antsiness in my blood. It's all I can do not to pack myself a light bag, grab a case of rockstars and all my favorite CDs, and take off in the car. I don't even really care where I'm going. I wouldn't make a plan of what to do. I'd just know it when I get there.

I've never been very good a staying in one spot. Maybe it comes from living in so many different places growing up or having a revolving door on the houses that brought so many different kind of people into my life. I like newness and change.

We are all wanderers on this earth. Our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams. 

During the college years I would pick off and take off for days at a time whenever I got the urge. I miss those kind of days. I really miss being able to pick everything up and take off at a moments notice. Sometimes the restrictions of having a steady job, car payments and student loans seem more stifling then rewarding.

I'll be honest. One of the reasons I may be so itchy right now is because my birthday is barely a month away. It's been another year and I tend to become unsure if I'm doing enough with my life. I get that feeling that I'm not living it enough. Then again what is enough?

I often wonder if I'll ever be content and relaxed in the place I am. Will I ever free comfortable and at home with where I am, or am I destined to always feel this itch a couple time a year and yearn to uproot myself and find something new?

Is there any substance that that elusive feeling of home?

The Boobie Jingle

I’ve talked about my job before, but in case you are new here’s a little background: I’m an Account Manager for an internet marketing company. One of our client niche areas is plastic surgery, so I’m constantly cruising through plastic surgery sites all day long.  So yes, I know a ridiculous amount about plastic surgery now. So when I finally get the girls done (It’s going to happen even if it isn’t till after I have kids and make The Man pay to put my body back in the shape it’s supposed to be in. If by some random chance I do have kids that is.) I’m going to know exactly what to look for and what I want.

Anyways, part of my day is spent checking out my client’s competitors to figure out what they are doing and how we can virtually kick their asses. So today I stumbled across something that cracked me up. One of my client’s is in Phily and that, my friends, is where I found what I’m now fondly calling The Boobie Jingle. You can listen to it here.

This is terrible marketing! Whoever came up with this needs to be smacked - repeatedly.

Seriously ladies, does this make any of you want to visit this surgeon?

My Hump Day Pick Me Ups

It's hump day again. Wednesdays for me are always a beotch, and I can always use a little something something to help me get through without napping under my desk or jabbing my eyes out with a pencil.So I figure this week I'd share what's getting me through. Cut to me bouncing in my office chair and yes, I may even bust out a quick air guitar. Aw hump day - here's to getting over it!

(The Spill Canvas - Our Song)

And these are a few of my tried and true make me feel all fuzzy and happy songs:

Modest Mouse - Float On

Snow Patrol - Hands Open
The Barenaked Ladies - The Old Apartment

Racking Up Life's Brownie Points

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.” - Anthony Robbins

In the last several months I've hit this weird stride where I'm being more consiencious of what I'm doing. I'm being all charitable and racking up a few brownie points with life. Knowing me I'm going to need them one day, likely sooner then later. I'm convinced that all those odd random little things that have happened to me are becuase I deserved it in some way. Okay, I know that sounds a lot like Karma, but I'm convinced Karma is only for the really big stuff that you do. Like say you sideswipe an old lady hobbling along with your car or you sleep with every boyfriend your college roommate has had since you started living together. (I know someone who did that second one and I'm convinced that is why all her boyfriend cheat on her now.)  That's when Karma kicks in and bites you in the ass.

The rest is all just lifes little brownie points. You've got so much of them and when you run out those things like someone side swiping your car, breaking a heel, or falling off the curb and spraining your ankle happen. It's the universes way of saying "Hey, asshole. Time to make a contribution for the greater good." Well universe, I got the message. So now I'm working on racking up some of life's little brownie points.

I've mentioned before my recent decision to put in some charity hours at PPRM, but I'm doing more then that. Don't get me wrong, that's the only big thing. I'm not quite willing to give up too much of my time and that's not how you get life's brownie points anyway - remember it has to be little things.

So first I decided to start donating a little money when I got those little please donate to this cause things in the mail. The only ask for $10 so what can that hurt? Beware. I'm convinced that all charities share a database and they flag you when you do this. Not only will you receive tons of requests from them, but then everyone is all over you for money. I killed that idea pretty quick and kept working on my other brownie point gathering tactics that are much easier like letting someone infront of me in traffic and not hitting every free sample stand at Costco on Saturdays 4-8 times and callilng it lunch.

Yesterday I did something big! I'm talking 20 point worth at least. I found a credit card in the parking lot at Target and instead of just leaving it there where anyone could steal it and use it, I took it inside and asked the customer service people to page the lady who's name it was on the card. When no one showed up I made the guy cut it up for me. (Your welcome Agnes something or other.) And you know what? It actually felt pretty damn good. I got the warm and tingles for about 10 minutes. So I guess even if I didn't earn all 20 brownie points, then that's okay.

What are you doing to rack up life's brownie points?